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Guess what, Virgins? Cal Kestis returns to Star Wars in Survivor

Guess what, Virgins Cal Kestis returns to Star Wars in Survivor

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If you’ve woken up today and thought to yourself “hell yeah! a new Star Wars game!” then consider me the honourable Reverend Killjoy as I destroy your hopes and dreams.

Cal Kestis returns in Star Wars: Survivor

Yes, that’s right Star Wars virgins, there’s a new Star Wars game trailer out and it follows on as a direct sequel to 2019’s Star Wars: Fallen Order which followed the exploits of young force sensitive padawan who somehow managed to escape “Order 66” and fly under the radar until he’s drawn into the usual Empire bullshit and has to avoid being hunted down by Imperial Inquisitors (see: Star Wars canon you lazy fucks).

RELATED: Doctor Aphra: Why Star Wars Fans Find Her Irresistible

Despite the usual platitudes and money under the table between EA Games and the usual Gaming critics who laundered an unending supply of positive reviews, Fallen Order was anything but. Fallen Order gameplay included lots of jumping, lots of laser sword fighting, lots of cinematic cut scenes, and was over faster than a Jenna Jameson blowjob. Let’s be clear – if we can have literal weeks of gameplay from Assassins Creed but not a behemoth intellectual property like Star Wars then that’s a problem!

SIDE NOTE: If you were left wondering why Cal Kestis looked like the Joker from the Gotham TV show then SURPRISE GENIUS – that’s because it was him!

Cal Kestis confronts an unknown Sith
Cal Kestis confronts an unknown Sith

Now, as the honourable Reverend Killjoy I’d like to start by saying it looks like we’re going to get more of that with Star Wars: Survivor. That’s right. More of the jumping, more of the laser swords, a lot more cinematic cut scenes and it’ll be probably be after faster than a Jenna Jameson blowjob (sorry, Jenna).

With the release of the Star Wars: Survivor trailer I thought it best we do a quick recap on the key takeaways that the trailer left us with earlier this morning. At the start of the trailer we’re introduced to an empty look through Cal Kestis’ ship, the Mantis, although looking abandoned before an ominous and foreboding voice utters these words:

“Tell me, Cal Kestis. Why lead when they won’t follow? Why fight when you can’t win? What is your next move, Jedi?”

During this ominous monologue, we see Cal Kestis going one on one with a Sith warrior who at this point could be any Sith warrior. Baring a striking resemblance in atire to Darth Revan as much as Darth Maul. Then as this teaser trailer ends we see Cal Kestis look on at what’s most likely a Jedi warrior encased in a revitalisation chamber filled with Bacta. End of trailer.

Don’t hold your breath too long.
Star Wars: Survivor is out on your favourite console in 2023.

What did you get from the Star Wars: Survivor trailer?

What did you get from the Star Wars: Survivor trailer? Are you looking forward to this game or are you going to give it a complete miss?

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