Sonic – What an Utter Disgrace
The first trailer for the Sonic The Hedgehog movie was dumped on the internet today. It lasts exactly 2:42 seconds and gives us a full-frontal look at Sonic’s new and improved design. You know, the one that, according to the filmmakers, makes sense.
I know you. You’ve read about the controversy surrounding the blue blur’s movie. You’ve consumed hundreds upon hundreds of memes about it. You saw that article where the creator of the character was against the teaser image Paramount released a few weeks back. You’ve even seen your favorite tweet-star write novels worth of tweets covering this thing as well as Hollywood’s moral and creative bankruptcy. This has been a big deal. A huge deal. And you’re curious. Very curious. And you think you want to see the trailer.
Trust me. You don’t.
You think you want to. But you don’t.
You really really don’t.
Listen, despite the fact that this site doesn’t ask you for a captcha to enter, I’m sure you’re a human being that’s spent more than one minute on the internet. You have seen things. Things that you have tried to erase from your memory. Things that only come to light every full moon, when your brain has run out of tame ideas to fill your nightmares with. Things that have consumed little parts of your soul, leaving behind the dark empty husk that fills the insides of every internet user.
You don’t need to do this to yourself. You can stop the cycle of pain now. The internet was not created to punish yourself. It was created to bring joy, knowledge, communications and, more importantly, porn directly to you.
Do not ruin the internet even more by watching that trailer.
Don’t watch it.
Don’t.
If, for whatever masochistic reason, you need to see for yourself how Sonic the Hedgehog has been trodden to a pulp, has become the newest dead horse that SEGA refuses to stop beating, do yourself a favor: play Sonic 06. That game – using the term “game” very loosely here – has widely been considered one of the worst pieces of gaming the industry has ever crafted. It is a mess. It’s more a collection of glitches and bugs than it is a game. It features a CGI cartoon animal kissing a somewhat-realistic-looking human teenager on the lips in what the music soundtracking the event assumes is a tender moment. It is nigh unplayable, let alone, enjoyable. This is a piece of media Electronic Gaming Monthly gave a score of 40, because, as the reviewer put it:
I could’ve dealt with the much-lauded adventure elements, subpar graphics–even that clown Shadow–but the bottom line is that this feels more like some hack job created by a bunch of Sega interns as opposed to a game from a competent developement studio
EGM [Jan. 2007, p.95]
But you know what it has that the Sonic The Hedgehog movie doesn’t?
A Sonic that is appealing.
A Sonic you can look at.
It’s true. You and I, we like the same things. You’re on the internet. You like cringe. You like sharing cringe and watching people cringe. That is normal; a human need. But if you enjoy filling your veins with cringe content related to SEGA’s mascot, might I suggest reading Chris-chan’s Sonichu, starring a yellow creature that is definitely not Sonic with Pikachu fur. Sonichu is bad on every level imaginable, what with the terrible art, the unoriginal story that stole beats from every single piece of media you’ve enjoyed in your life, and an unexplained focus on the Hedgehog’s sex life with the author’s self-insert character. It is a sad, sad affair that has spawned more trolls than the comments of YouTube. Worse, even, if you decide to delve into the author’s life story.
But, unlike the trailer for Sonic The Hedgehog, this comic book has heart.
A rotten heart, mind you, but a heart.
It also has a Sonic character that doesn’t have human teeth.
You think you want to see the trailer. But you don’t. Not really.
It is but a cash grab made by people who don’t care at all about what they’re doing, let alone the character of the only franchise SEGA seems to care about these days. How do I know that? Well, it’s 2019 and the Sonic The Hedgehog’s story heavily borrows from all of those horrible movies from the 90s you barely even remember existed.
- It is set in the real world.
- Where a creature from another dimension appears suddenly
- And is a CGI mistake
- And the government are baffled and terrified of it
- So the entire thing is the character running from the government
- While at the same time trying to save the world
- From a threat this creature brought form their dimension
- Who is now allied with the government to help them locate the “threat”
- All because “humans fear what they don’t understand”
- And something about the balance of the world
- Or the power of friendship
- Also, Sonic seems to be able to teleport via rings?
You’ve seen this. Many many times. And you didn’t like it.
Your children/little cousins/nieces and nephews have seen this. And they also didn’t like it.
Why would you see it again? Why would you want to support this?
You think you want to see the trailer.
But you don’t.
Not really.
I mean, Jim Carrey seems to be actually putting some effort, but it’s not really worth it.
Listen, if you’re really desperate to see something with a similar storyline, starring James Marsden and an awkwardly inserted CGI character in the real world who the actors are unable to make it seem like it’s actually there, might I suggest HOP?
It’s an awful movie.
But at least you get the feeling the people behind it were actually trying.
The same cannot be said so far about Sonic The Hedgehog.
